As my friends and the readers of my blog know, I have been battling my personal demons for many years; many years longer than I have been keeping this blog and account of my days , ups and downs, and feelings.
Nevertheless, it’s hard for me to admit this. It’s harder to consciously think it, hard to say it aloud, and even harder yet to write it, but there’s no denying the hard truth: Deep down, after 33 years on this planet, I have yet to truly be at peace with myself.
Don’t get me wrong, I have come a helluva long way, and I know it. I am able to acknowledge different virtues and positive qualities about myself that I believe are of utmost importance, which I wish more people embodied: I am generous, empathetic, considerate, and kind towards others (perhaps to a fault). I care, I give a damn. I’m honest. But demonstrating the same positive characteristics when it comes to myself is another matter altogether. It’s an ongoing process, I suppose.
When it comes to seeing myself clearly and objectively, I experience a distorted view, as though I am looking through a freakish funhouse mirror.
I’m digressing. Let me get back to the main point of my entry today…
I have been enjoying every moment of my week-long spring vacation from school so far- Sleeping in, going out to lunch with gal pals, catching up on reading, watching the newest season of my favorite series (90 Day Fiance), spending some quality time with Seba and Fede, and so on. However, this morning, I woke up with a knot the size of a grapefruit in my stomach.
In a few hours’ time, I have an appointment with a bariatric surgeon.
This will actually be my third appointment with him. I had gone to his Recoleta office two other times in the past 13 months or so, emotionally and mentally going back and forth about the extreme possibility of undergoing a gastric bypass operation in order to lose my excessive weight once and for all.
Now, now- before y’all start going medieval on me in righteous indignation, let me explain a few things:
This is not the “easy” way out. There is nothing easy (physically or otherwise) about this possibility. I have been attempting (and repeatedly failing) to lose weight and be healthier for years and years. I need help, because what I have been doing isn’t working. It’s gotten bad. Bad to the point that I honestly find myself internally debating whether or not it is necessary for me to go up two flights of stairs, knowing that the result will be me getting absurdly winded and out of breath to the point that other people notice. It’s gotten bad to the point where I don’t want to catch a glimpse of myself in a picture or in the mirror, it’s hard to look at myself and recognize who I am and what I have become. It’s bad.
The possibility of undergoing a gastric bypass has been in the back of my mind for some time now, especially since I found out that I am supposedly eligible to undergo the surgery without any cost due to the national “Ley de Obesidad” (Obesity Law) here in Argentina since I meet the requirements, including a BMI comfortably over 40.
I do not expect this surgery to “fix” me, nor am I expecting a quick fix of any kind. If anything, it will probably replace some challenges with different ones that I will need to overcome. Even if I successfully lose my excess weight, I acknowledge that I still have my issues that I must address if I am ever going to be well, inside and out.
In the past 13+ months that I have been contemplating this surgery, I have had to zone in on my hunger and what makes it tick. The fact is, I have noticeably large physical capacity for food. I get hungry frequently and I am able to eat a lot, let’s face it. And the thought of never being able to go back to some of my favorite foods, some of my worldly comforts, is daunting. I mean, will I be able to lead a normal life without ever indulging in even an occasional treat (especially in social situations)? No Diet Coke ever again, no gum, no fast food?
But I think about how much harm that my unhealthy lifestyle has cost me. Everyone has his or her vices. Some people choose to consume alcohol, others smoke or do illegal drugs. Some people compulsively spend money or hoard. Me? My Achilles’ heel has almost always been impulsive excess, mostly through food. That was what led me to a long-term battle with bulimia that almost took my life, and that was what also led me to my current state of morbid obesity. It’s just not worth it.
Of course, there’s always the possibility that I won’t be able to undergo this procedure. Perhaps the doctors don’t deem me physically (or psychologically) apt? An insurance rejection? Who knows? That in itself makes me nervous. But no matter what the outcome of this consultation ultimately leads to, I just know that, at this point, I need all the help I can get.
I will keep y’all posted.