The past few weeks have come and gone since the last time that I wrote in what seems like the blink of an eye. In summation, it had been a bit of a roller coaster. However, it felt like the backwards-facing type of roller coaster more than anything. It was all a bit scary, emotionally I couldn’t predict what was coming next with each sharp twist and turn, yet exciting and exhilarating at the same time. There were also times when I felt in complete freefall.
Since then, I’d had a number of session with the bariatric surgeon and those on his team, especially the psychologist and nutritionist. Each time, they patiently answer all my questions (in Spanish, mind you) and reinforced the feeling that I am ultimately making the right decision for myself. All in all, the situation seemed initially more promising than I had anticipated. I had undergone several medical tests and slowly began losing the 10 or so kilos pre-bypass that I need to in order to make the operation itself less risky, even surprising myself in the process. Was it a challenge sticking to the regimen and prepping myself (mentally and physically)? Oh yes. There were and still are times when I would love nothing more than to indulge in a delightfully greasy cheeseburger drowned in copious amounts of Heinz ketchup. When a craving hits me, it hits me. Hard.
Things seemed to be moving forward and onward without a hitch. I purchased some prescriptions and vitamins, started getting required vaccinations (such as a tetanus shot) as the date of my very real surgery neared (far faster than I realized).
But my newfound hopefulness was not met without challenges. I would be lying if I wrote that I wasn’t feeling scared, hesitant, or even selfish at times for what I intended to do in a short time. I have been keeping my probable surgery on the down low for the most part, expect from a few select people with whom I am close. The reactions, though mixed, were anything but ambivalent.
Initially, my gastric bypass surgery was scheduled for December 20th. Then I rescheduled it for January 3rd. And just a few short days ago, I called it off indefinitely.
It wasn’t simply a matter of the risks of the surgery itself. Nor was it merely about the future restrictions on food intake. A part of it was the issue with potential complications for taking meds (my antidepressants and otherwise). A part of it was that I am currently dealing with some difficult personal circumstances that would hinder the critical stages needed pre and post op to be successful And another part of it was just feeling like I hadn’t been properly informed about all the possible post-surgery complications. Simply put, once again, I have backed out, following my (enormous) gut.
I just don’t know what else to say for now :-/