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The life & times of the eternally evolving, erratic, eccentric expatriate (who loves the color violet)

Monthly Archives: April 2017

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My Better Half, My Best Friend

I am a firm believer that if you love and care about someone, it is imperative that you let them know in some way.  Gratitude is everything.  Hence, I am writing…

 

It’s a little after 4:30am as I start to type  this particular entry.  At this time of day, it is indistinguishable from night outside – pitch black, cold, and the kind of dreary weather outside that would make you want to hibernate for the next several days.  Yet I woke up today, long before the sun rises, feeling gratefully calm.  For the first time in a long while, my painful anxiety has (at least temporarily) subsided, and is replaced instead by feelings of tranquility and gratitude.  

The cause of this is not some miraculous wonder drug, nor some brilliant epiphany that has occurred to me in the last 48 hours.  Rather, it is because I woke up next to the love of my life, who was still asleep next to me, gently snoring and oblivious to my watching him with a slight smile spread across my face (how creepy am I? :))

 

To say that Fede has always been my rock is an understatement.  He does and he is so much more to me.  In these past few days, weeks, endless months in which I have experienced some very extreme ups and (mostly) downs due to my depression and my anxiety, he has been incredibly patient and compassionate.   When I burst into tears, he doesn’t tell me, “There, there… Don’t cry,” but rather, “It’s okay, cry.  Let it out, I am here for you.”   He hugs me when I need to be held, he passes me tissues when the tears seem like they will never stop.  And then he hugs me again when I have recovered from weeping in his usual, reassuring, protective embrace.

Me and Fede at our wedding ceremony – September 26, 2011.

 

In my moments of personal adversity, Fede has truly stepped up.  He takes excellent care of Seba during the day and of me when I come home.  Upon returning home from the crazy, outside world, he greets me with an embrace and a kiss like we have been separated for far too long. He asks me if there is anything that he can do for me, how I am feeling, and (get this!) he actually listens!  In the event that I need to crash and recover sleep and strength from a particularly trying day, he gives me a kiss and even “tucks me in” so that I can recuperate my bearings and wake up in a better and more capable mood.

 

Seriously – How lucky am I?!?

 

There are few words that could really do our relationship and our marriage justice.  I personally know of so many cases of people who endure unhappy or unhealthy relationships for different reasons, or sometimes even relationships that are lukewarm and mediocre at best.  On the other hand, I haven’t had many personal relationship role models.  I know of very few marriages in which the couple truly are equal partners who love, respect, and support each other through absolutely everything.  In my case, Fede is much more than just my legal husband on our libreta de matrimonio.  He really, truly is my best friend and life partner and every other cliche that you can imagine.   

 

There are many instances when I simply cannot believe how fortunate I am to have truly found my better half, someone who made all the trials and mistakes that I made in my life worth it, because absolutely everything that I went through ultimately led me to him.  It gives me strength and incentive to keep going at times when I feel that I simply can’t.  I will never tire of letting Fede know how much I appreciate him and how much he means to me.  
Thank you, my husband, for everything.   You will never know how much you mean to me.  Thank you for being YOU.  <3

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When Anxiety Attacks

By now, y’all know that I deal with fighting depression on the daily.  It’s overwhelmingly draining at times, but at least it is the demon that I have known for some time now.  By this point in my life, I am more or less able to cope with these rock-bottom moments, mostly because I know that with the passing of time, I eventually get better.  However, as of late, a new, formidable demon has come into play these last few months – Depression’s ugly bastard sister, Anxiety.

It’s hard to pinpoint when my bouts with anxiety started, or what the exact roots are.  But they are undeniably there.  Recently, some of the causes have been concern over my son and his still prevalent lack of speech, or a neighbor from Hell who thinks that it is acceptable to throw parties next door every Saturday night until the wee hours of the morning.  Or professional or finance related preoccupations.  Or sometimes, well, I just don’t know why, I just feel it.  As I had previously written, it gets quite bad, to the point where I am literally gasping for profound breaths of air, to the point of feeling dizzy and sometimes even nauseous, unable to focus, practically incapacitated.  This is no way to live, this is no way to be.  It’s just not sustainable.

 

Life has its inevitable moments of trial and adversity, that’s a given, that’s normal.  But I wish I were better able to cope with these.  The fact that I can’t – that’s not normal.

 

Certain times like these call for certain measures.  Of course, I’ve tried many of the “lighter” strategies to try to cope and offset my anxiety attacks – Journaling, taking a long, hot bath, certain stretching and yoga poses, you name it, but ultimately, honestly, to no avail.  As of late, I have been dipping into my stash of prescribed Rivotril (a.k.a. – Clonazepam or Klonopin in other countries), now to the point where I need to ask my psychiatrist for a refill. There are times that I feel like I should resort to other means, even taking an occasional toke of Mary Jane seems reasonable by this point (hey, at least it is legal here in Argentina).  However, I know myself, my history, and my family history as well, and addiction (yet another demon) is prevalent.  

Yeah. Pretty much this.

It’s just so frustrating at times.  I want to shake my fist at the sky, to curse whatever obscure thing is causing my depression, my anxiety, and my subsequent pain and inability to enjoy life as I should.  

 

But for now, I guess I have to try to be strong, not just for myself, but for my family, particularly for Seba, who I know needs his mommy to be well and to be whole.  
Until later, I guess all I can do is just keep swimming, just keep swimming…
-V.V.

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My Letter to My Son on His 4th Birthday

Dear Sebastian,

Each year, the Earth goes around the sun. Since the very day of your birth, the Earth has gone round exactly four times.  And while everyone knows that the world revolves around the sun, sometimes I am honestly not so sure.  As far as I can see, it is you who remains the center of my world, and when I look at you, I see the sun itself. I also see the moon, stars, and so much love, goodness, and joy.  I have to be honest – There are times I can’t help but just gaze at you and I can’t help but wonder.

I wonder many things.  I wonder how it is possible for you to be such a perfect combination of both me and Daddy.  I wonder what my life was like before you came, it is so hard to remember.  I wonder how you can become more handsome and sweet with each day. 

But once again, I have to be honest – I also wonder if I am worthy of being your mom.  I love you so much, but in these four years, I haven’t been the perfect parent. I always want to do right by you, to protect you without coddling you, to teach you while still allowing you to find your own way, and there are occasions when I don’t always find just the right balance.  

 

But as uncertain as I can feel sometimes about my capacity to be an excellent mom to you, in the midst of murky self doubt, the one thing that has always remained crystal clear to me is how much I love you.  For the past four years, you have inspired me, motivated me to keep going (even during times when I felt that I couldn’t), and made me a better and more complex person. You have taught me so much, and you have shown me what love and goodness really is.

 

I feel like I could go on for ages, but all I can do in mere words is to simply let you know on your fourth birthday that I love you so, so much.  Thank you for being my son.

Love,
Mommy