Each year, the Earth goes around the sun. Since the very day of your birth, the Earth has gone round exactly four times. And while everyone knows that the world revolves around the sun, sometimes I am honestly not so sure. As far as I can see, it is you who remains the center of my world, and when I look at you, I see the sun itself. I also see the moon, stars, and so much love, goodness, and joy. I have to be honest – There are times I can’t help but just gaze at you and I can’t help but wonder.
I wonder many things. I wonder how it is possible for you to be such a perfect combination of both me and Daddy. I wonder what my life was like before you came, it is so hard to remember. I wonder how you can become more handsome and sweet with each day.
But once again, I have to be honest – I also wonder if I am worthy of being your mom. I love you so much, but in these four years, I haven’t been the perfect parent. I always want to do right by you, to protect you without coddling you, to teach you while still allowing you to find your own way, and there are occasions when I don’t always find just the right balance.
But as uncertain as I can feel sometimes about my capacity to be an excellent mom to you, in the midst of murky self doubt, the one thing that has always remained crystal clear to me is how much I love you. For the past four years, you have inspired me, motivated me to keep going (even during times when I felt that I couldn’t), and made me a better and more complex person. You have taught me so much, and you have shown me what love and goodness really is.
I feel like I could go on for ages, but all I can do in mere words is to simply let you know on your fourth birthday that I love you so, so much. Thank you for being my son.