The life & times of the eternally evolving, erratic, eccentric expatriate (who loves the color violet)

Tag Archives: happiness

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Taking the Gratitude Challenge

All too often, I find myself bogged down with all the negativity that daily life can present.  As a result, I feel drained, cranky, and pessimistic far more easily.  There’s no denying that there is a lot to gripe about (you don’t have to ponder for too long what that might entail).  But I don’t want to be that way.  I want to more fully appreciate the life that I am living and all the blessings, great and small, that I have in my life, but sometimes tend to overlook or disregard.  Life is fickle and anything, for better or worse, has the capacity to change in a day.  It is time to practice awareness and being more conscious and conscientious of what I DO have.  Hence the reason I have decided to take the Gratitude Challenge.  Here we go!…

Violet’s Gratitude Challenge

 

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Update on Battling the Depression Demons

It’s been a good long time since I last posted.  At that time, I was feeling pretty glum and down in the mouth.  More than blue.  Black.  I was feeling like the subject of one of those “Depression Hurts” commercials.  What got to me most was that, despite fairly minor issues, there was no real reason for feeling so dangerously depressed.  I was feeling so distracted and distraught that I found myself Googling “How to fight depression at work” instead of grading papers and working during my planning periods.  That’s how I knew that I needed to start making some choices and changes stat.

I write on this third day of November feeling somewhat more hopeful and optimistic than the day of my last entry (or entries, for that matter).   I owe this to a few different factors (in no particular order):

  1.  I started working out.  I now use the stationary bike that we recently purchased for our apartment a few times a week in the morning, even if it is for as little as just twenty minutes.  I’ve also begun exercising with a personal trainer and setting goals in terms of my health and my weight.  As of today, since my peak weight a few weeks ago, I’ve lost about 3 kg.  Dare I say it, I am proud of myself for taking the first couple of steps.  As I’ve mentioned before, my ultimate goal is to lose about 30 kg or so, so I’m on my way.  One pound (or kilo) at a time…
  2. After years of being on the same mood stabilizer (Abilify) without a single modification, and after a few sessions with my psychiatrist and weighing the pros and cons, I wound up going on Prozac.  It turned out to be a very good decision after all, it has helped me immensely.  I want to be clear that I know that there is no such thing as a magic pill, but I firmly believe that antidepressants (if they are the right ones) do not change who you are or turn you into a zombie or some other undesirable, unrecognizable being.  I acknowledge that psychiatry is a somewhat controversial taboo, even in this day and age.  But even more importantly, there is no point and no reason to continue suffering if you can avail of help.  When the tears are always just below the surface, and the dam is perpetually threatening to burst, it becomes unspeakably exhausting, and it seems to affect every aspect of your life, every decision, every thought.  It is painful, destructive, and does not have to be this way.  No one deserves to suffer like this.  This is why I am open and unashamed when I accredit a part of my recuperation to the proper use of prescription antidepressants.
  3. The unwavering support of my incredibly wonderful (and patient) husband.  There is no doubt in my mind how damn lucky I am to have Fede in my life.  He is my media naranja (half orange), my best friend, my rock, my better half, my soul mate, and all other clichés times a million.  It is uncommon to find someone who does not judge you, no matter how much you let it all hang out, who is a compassionate shoulder to cry on, and who continues loving you no matter what.  Over the four years that we have been together, I have thrown everything at him but the kitchen sink (ugh, yet another cliché, but so very true).  And he has never faltered, never hesitated to be there for me and support me, and occasionally give me the push or slight kick in the butt that I need to be able to help myself.  Hence the reason I only grow to love him more with each passing day.  As the writer Paulo Coehlo once said, “When we love, we always strive to become better than we are. When we strive to become better than we are, everything around us becomes better, too.”  I love my husband and I love who I am when I am with him.  Over the years, he has made me a happier, better, and more complete person, and I thank whatever higher being that may be for having him in my life.

It’s not to say that my issues with sadness and depression are a thing of the past; quite the contrary.  It is something that I face every day, and while some days are fine, some are significantly harder to handle what life throws at me.  But for the time being, even in the moment as I sip my lemon tea and type out these last few lines, I know that I am in a better place that I was just a short while ago.  I have a lot to be grateful for, and for the first time in what seems like forever, I have some hope to hold onto.   It’s going to be okay.

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Depression is a Bitch

Depression is a bitch.   I don’t think anyone is going to argue with that.  But it seems to me that there is “depression” and then there is “depression.”

Am I depressed (at this particular moment and/or generally speaking)?  Yes.  Do I have any particular reason to be depressed?  Not really.  I just am.  And it’s easier to write it out than for me to actually speak about it with someone.  Recently, despite all that I have in my life, I find my moments when I feel happy (genuinely happy) become farther and fewer between, and that concerns me a great deal.

I honestly have no way of knowing about when my bouts might strike.  But when they do, oh man, it’s the mother of all backwards roller coasters.  The more I struggle to try to fight it, the further I normally find myself sinking into a bottomless chasm of bleakness and blackness.  When I’m experiencing these moments, I am suddenly overwhelmed to act on bright ideas like changing my career, getting plastic surgery, or some other dangerously permanent stroke of brilliance.  Thankfully by now I’ve become better about reminding myself when I am in my state that what I am experiencing is not going to last forever, but in the moment, it’s like trying to calm a person in the process of drowning.

I’ve heard all too often that you have to train yourself to have a positive attitude in order to be happy, but at least in the way that I’ve experienced it, it feels like being the fakest of Pollyannas in an unhealthy state of denial.   I guess I’m just not practicing it right.  It’s not to say that I make conscious habit of wallowing in my state of misery or stewing in my own putrid juices, but I find too many mornings recently when I wake up sad, far too frequent, random moments that hijack any shred of stability in my mood.  Some people make happiness look so effortless and natural that it makes me wonder what I’m doing wrong, what’s wrong with me.  I have to wonder to myself, “Will it always be like this?”

I feel like there is nothing more to say for now.

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Update on the Happiness Project Idea

So some time has passed since I first proposed my happiness project.  A couple of days later, I wondered to myself, “Ugh.  What have I done?”  I didn’t know where or how to start and feared that I may have been experiencing temporary insanity or some majorly false grandeur.  I hate to make a promise of any time and take it back, especially after it’s been written.

So I gave the matter some thought.  And I did a bit of research, a bit of jotting, and a bit of soul searching.  And this is what I discovered:

According to different sources that I consulted, having high levels of happiness is dependent upon different factors that make up different percentages of being happy.  Some of these factors vary in how greatly they can impact a person’s state of happiness.  For example, I read a range of anywhere from 20% – 50% of happiness is genetically determined.  That’s a pretty significant discrepancy, and I’m not really certain how reliable those figures are, nor how the researchers came up with them in the first place.

Moreover, while being married also supposedly contributes to the probability of one’s happiness, having children diminishes it.  Maybe it’s because my child is still an infant, but in all honesty, that statement is one that I simply can’t wrap my head around.  It seems completely counter intuitive.  For me, it’s been the opposite experience.  Having my son has made me feel happier and more complete.  The fact is, I’ve got a Type A personality up the wazoo.  I’m a compulsive worrier, and my first reaction to most any problem, predicament, or crisis is to automatically hit the metaphorical “panic” button.  Having my baby has given me a much-needed reality check.  I simply don’t have enough energy to expel harping on non-essential fretting.  Without Sebastian, I would be a rolling stone with a missing piece, and I wouldn’t appreciate the more simple, beautiful details of life because I wouldn’t even know how to.  If it weren’t for him, I can say without any reservation that I would be a great deal unhappier.

In all honestly, it made me raise an eyebrow when I continually read that money can’t buy happiness.  It makes me think of a scene from the 1953 movie “How to Marry a Millionaire,” when a man asks Lauren Bacall’s character, “Do you seriously believe that money automatically brings you happiness?” to which she quips, “No, but it doesn’t automatically depress me, either.” Yes, I agree, the physical pieces of paper with dead presidents on them does not overwhelm me with glee.  I’ve got no doubt that fixating on money all the time is incredibly unhealthy and damaging to one’s state of happiness.  However, I feel as though it would be fair to add that when it is used wisely, having money can undoubtedly help to enhance happiness.  There are times that I wish I had enough money to travel more frequently (not even to any place particularly exciting, unless you consider Ohio to be an exotic and glamorous getaway, in which case I feel a bit sorry for you!).  What would make me happy sometimes would just to be able to see my family, which isn’t really an option while living overseas.  While I don’t lament the fact that I live here in Argentina, I do indeed regret that important sacrifices had to be made to get to this point.  But c’est la vie, I suppose. 

My point is that the whole happiness thing is so subjective, so arbitrary, so fickle, that I guess is that perhaps it’s not really worth it in the end for me to pursue a fully-fledged “Happiness Project” per se similar to that of Gretchen Rubin.  The fact is, I’m not a work-from-home professional, published author with enough time and incentive to devote an entire book’s worth of personal experience into an additional, full time job.  I’m just an amateur blogger who is trying to find her way and utilizes writing as both an outlet and tool for further self exploration (and hopefully will get a few hits on my blog here and there along the way!).

In short, when I stopped harping and thinking about it so darned much, a very relevant and meaningful memory came back to me.  I recalled when I was in the fourth grade, and we had to fill in these “All About Me” worksheets and complete the blanks with information about ourselves.  Obviously a lot about me has changed in the 20+ years since that worksheet.  I no longer consider the Beach Boys to be my favorite music group (*cringe*) and I no longer have the same BFF that I had at the age of nine.  I no longer wear my hair in a side pony tail (yes, I was guilty of that!).  But one particular part of that paper stands out to me.  It asked me, “What are my most important goals in life?” to which I answered:

  1. To have a good education
  2. To be physically fit
  3. To be happy

It makes me think that I should listen to my inner nine year old more often.

So what’s the main point of this particular entry?  I guess it’s me taking the stance that maybe a formal happiness project is not necessarily the way to go.  It doesn’t have to be so calculated and premeditated.  All in all, after all that reading and all that thinking and all that planning, I believe that the coveted concept of happiness in all its glory is not something that can actively be pursued, it’s something that must ensue.  Maybe if I stop thinking so much about goals and plans of action and quantifying data, and just go out there and be the best Violet that I can be, I might just honor my nine year old’s dream… And wouldn’t that be cool?

So it all starts today.  A new day, a new opportunity.  And…. Here I go!

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Starting a “Happiness Project”

 

It’s 9:25am on a Tuesday morning, my planning period at school.  I know that I should be using it for school-related tasks, but I feel too distracted and detached from work to focus for right now.  I need a bit of an outlet, an opportunity to vent and rave and rant and feel “free,” even if it’s just for a few precious minutes before I go nuts (I may or may not have woken up on the wrong side of the bed this morning.  Who am I to say?).

As I’ve mentioned before, I really do like my job, but there are times when I wish I could just be home with my son and my husband.  The weekends just don’t seem like enough, especially when I spend a considerable amount of time on Saturday and Sunday and my time “off the clock” planning, grading papers, answering work-related emails, and so on.  I miss Seba and Fede.  And at times like these, which are occurring more and more frequently, I feel rather unhappy.

It’s been challenging finding the balance.  I feel perpetual guilt when I come home completely drained and too tired to offer much to my family.  I feel frustrated that I have been neglecting myself and the non-working, personal side of Violet.

Someone asked me once what I “get” out of constantly being stuck in work mode.  In all honesty, I know that there are very few benefits.  Yet I still feel the compulsion to try to get stuff out of the way, to catch up, to get ahead, or simply to keep my head above water, etc.  There is always SOMETHING to be done.  It feels like I’m on an eternal treadmill until I retire in about 25 years.  Not a nice attitude, not a pleasant outlook.

I want to be happier, I want to find some sort of healthy equilibrium.   All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, and makes Violet neurotic and miserable.

Enough!  This is my idea… When I have the chance, I intend to update my blog.  I want to start a sort of “Happiness Project” of my own (inspired by the book by Gretchen Rubin).   My intention is to have long and short term goals complimented with a reasonable game plan to obtain some simple but important specific and attainable objectives toward being a happier, more well-balanced person.

I just reread that sentence (Yikes.  I assure you all I really am an English teacher!).   What I want to say, simply put, is that I want to be a happier, calmer person, so I am going to start working toward that by setting up a few goals and trying to achieve them.  After all, I have nothing to lose.

Moreover, I plan on keeping myself accountable by including details and updates.  Stay tuned, Folks!

My planning period is about to end, so I’ll have to stop here.  Back to the grindstone… *Sigh*